the ugly miscarriage post

::heart sink::

So, yea, you know how I was all 'I'm afraid to tell the world I'm pregnant but I'm going to do it anyway!?' (Look at me! Last time everything was fine!)

Yea. Well, I'm not anymore.

Pregnant that is.

As stated in my pregnancy announcement post, I hope you will listen now and be supportive. I'm going to be open and honest and tell you some of the gritty details so, if you don't want to hear about them, stop reading. I'm not going to stop sharing.

I started having some light spotting and bleeding yesterday when I woke up. It was pretty brownish in nature so I was hopeful it was just normal implantation bleeding or spotting or old blood or one of the many other reasons one might bleed in early pregnancy. I called my midwife and we talked about it. There was little cramping so we decided to just keep an eye on it and hope it stopped. I rested and took it easy all day. Fast forward to the early afternoon - bleeding increasing a little, cramps increasing. (For the record, I had a ton of intense cramping with Nate's pregnancy so I was trying not to freak out too much.) After talking to Kim some more and my friend Jaime (also L&D nurse), I decided if I woke up with any blood at all, I was going to call the doctor for an appointment.

Needless to say, I woke up bleeding (still not enough to soak a pad but bright red and enough to be worrisome) and put a call in the moment my clinic opened. The office was able to get me in and my friend Jaime (& her beautiful newborn Sadie) were able to go with me. I was unsure if I wanted anyone to be there, but I will be forever grateful she was. The details are not so important here... Sweet Doctor Simmons performed a vaginal exam - I was super embarrassed to have him look IN THERE b/c I was bleeding and he was like "you know i deliver babies through vaginas all day, right?" (oh, right.) He took a peek and decided we needed a vaginal ultrasound (my first ever!). The tech was backed up and the doctor let us wait in his office for thirty minutes (which was super sweet b/c Sadie needed to nurse and I needed to CALM DOWN and not in front of a waiting room full of strangers).

The ultrasound tech wanded me (weird). I feel like I knew what the doctor was going to say before he opened his mouth, but there is something about SAYING IT OUT LOUD that makes it official. He gently put his hand on my knee and said "I'm so sorry." The great thing about Dr. Simmons - he genuinely was sorry and took the time to look me in the face and tell me. I let a few tears slip out in that room... not great, racking sobby tears but the three or four down your face/raggedy breath/super sad kind of tears. We went back to his office and discussed options (wait it out vs. d&c). For several reasons, I am opting to let it happen at home. This means passing quite a bit of blood and tissue. It's ugly and not over yet. And it hurts. The doctor offered me percocet and I (who turned my nose up at Ibuprofen immediately following my drug free birth and have swallowed maybe three or four pain killers in my life) jumped at that prescription and filled it immediately. I've taken my first one this evening and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH when you don't take medicine ever, THAT SHIT WORKS. I feel super drunk RIGHT NOW. (Karl's mom has Nate overnight.)

So many things have been running through my mind since I started bleeding yesterday.... I shouldn't have been working out, I shouldn't have been lifting Nate as much, I shouldn't have had that ONE COKE that ONE TIME, I should have slowed down more, slept more and eaten better, been in better shape to start with. I shouldn't have been so confident about it. I shouldn't have told everyone so early (ugh.). I should have slept on my left side more. I should have done x, y AND z. But the truth is none of these things would have made a difference. This pregnancy was not meant to be. Sometimes miscarriages just happen.

At just under 7 weeks, It feels like my body is betraying me even when, deep down, I know it's doing what it needs to do. I feel sad. I cry. I wander around doing normal things - like going to the store and dropping Nate off at school - wondering HOW THE HELL everyone else is acting so normal when I'm BLEEDING PEOPLE!! I dream of chasing my newly discovered percocet with a half bottle of vodka and maybe a few illicit cigarettes (naughty). I cringe at the awkward conversations I will be having in the near future with both friends and acquaintances - people (myself included) never seem to know what to say about a miscarriage. I want it to be acknowledged but I don't want it to be uncomfortable - is that even possible?

The doctor recommended waiting two complete cycles before we try again, but, I have to be honest, right now I feel like waiting another few YEARS before trying again. I still love pregnancy and being pregnant and babies and encourage my friends and family to get pregnant (HEAR THAT? DO IT!). I am thrilled for all my friends going through pregnancy currently and with new babies. I continue to be deeply appreciative for what I have and I know everything is going to be fine. I know women go through miscarriages much later than me or have birth complications I didn't have. I know I am lucky to have a crazy large support system. Don't get me wrong: the situation still TOTALLY BLOWS and I'm still pissed off about it but it's going to get better.

So, that is that. GAH. Fuck you, June 2, 2010.